Adalyne Erin Rose...Flying Without Wings

She was perfect. She was beautiful. She was everything wonderful and fine. But, inside this wonderful gift from God, a tiny little pancreas was failing. She was born at 36 weeks. In the hospital, Addy had a little difficulty keeping her BG stable. Oh, but that was because she was premature. Was it?

At one year, she only weighed eighteen pounds. The pediatrician said that she had Japanese heritage and all breast fed babies are a bit smaller. Was this true?

Addy had several bouts of croup, and little viral illnesses before she the age of two. Are not breast fed babies supposed to be more healthy? I teach this in my breast feeding class. After all, they have more protection because of the antibodies they receive from their Mother's. This is a medical fact. How come this didn't work for Addy? Addy was breast fed exclusively until she was two years old.

When Addy was eighteen months old she developed gastroenteritis. The pediatrician sent her to St. Mary's Hospital to be admitted. She was dehydrated from vomiting and diarrhea. She required I.V.'s for hydration. The Dr. ordered blood work and when it came back, Addy's BG was in the high 120's. This was after no food are drink for almost 24hours. I remember Wendy and I just stared at each other. I remember saying, "Gosh Addy's BG is high for a baby who hasn't eaten." The ED doc explained it is NORMAL for sick kids to have higher than normal BG. (I always point out, all medical schools have a bottom third of their class!) The Dr. on call decided that Addy did not need to be admitted to the hospital to R/O any other illness and sent her home....even with a higher than normal BG. Wendy and I are both RN's and we have learned to trust doctors. Now, I question their EVERY judgment.

Addy was happy and delightful. But, she didn't smile much. At least not as much as I remember my kids did. Around two years old, Wendy said to me "Addy seems to be drinking more and drenching her diapers more." I responded, "Wendy it is summer and hot. I think it is normal for Addy drink more. And, when you were two, I couldn't keep a dry diaper on you." This was true for Wendy. It was wrong for Addy!

A few weeks after her second birthday, Addy and her family went on a short vacation. The Friday they returned, Wendy called and said Addy wasn't acting right, but she couldn't put her finger on it. On Sunday, Jason walked across the street to where their pediatrician lived and told her that Addy was acting strange. He told the Dr. he really didn't know how to describe how she was acting. (Yes, Wendy and Jason were neighbors to their pediatrician.) The pediatrician said "bring her into the office tomorrow morning." She didn't even walk across the street to check Addy. The next morning Wendy took Addy to the pediatrician as instructed.

Then the rest of the story.....

ADDY WAS IN DIABETIC KETOACIDIDOSIS AND IN A LIFE THREATENING SITUATION. SHE WAS PUT INTO AN AMBULANCE AND SENT TO SOUTHERN MARYLAND HOSPITAL WHERE SHE WAS FLOWN TO FAIRFAX CHILDREN'S HOSPITAL IN VA. SHE SURVIVED. BUT, LIFE TOOK ON A NEW NORMAL. ADALYNE ERIN ROSE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH TYPE ONE DIABETES.

ADALYNE'S TWO YEAR OLD INSULIN PRODUCING PANCREAS WAS DEAD.

St. Mary's Hospital where Addy was taken for the diagnosis of gastroenteritis has now changed its protocol. When a child presents to the ED with an elevated BG in any situation, they are to be admitted until DIABETES IS RULED OUT.

I wonder why? I know why!

The evening before she almost died, the pediatrician who did not walk across the street to check Addy or even ask to see her left her practice within weeks of Addy's diagnosis.

I wonder why? I know why!

Love songs take on new meanings of gratefulness.

Happy Birthday, Adalyne....

You are getting so big and grown up. I remember when you were tiny and first born. Did you know that other than the Doctor, I was the first person to see you and touch you? I was the one who told your Mama, "She has Curly Hair!" Your Mama and Daddy were so happy to see you and hold you that they cried. To me, you are absolutely a precious dream come true. Watch the mail, and make sure Mama takes you shopping. I love you. Just think, you have a new pink pump to share your birthday! Lucky, Lucky you. xoxxoxox

The Missing Tapes...

I have no idea how I am going to write this post without sounding crazy. Actually, I have made writing this a matter of prayer. I have discussed what I am going to write with Wendy. She has encouraged me. Please hang with me, as I'm not sure how this is going to come out, or if I can even find the words to express myself clear. I want to say that before you read my post, please understand that I have moved countless times since 1977, including overseas. On many moves, I was the soul person to pack and unpack. Do I have a special protective box in which I have kept all remembrances of all my children including Mark? Yes, I do. Although, these tapes have never been in it. Also, please understand that I am the one who helped move my Mother from CA to MD. I am the one who unpacked every box that she brought with her to MD. I am the one who settled her and helped her decide what was going to be kept and what was going to be discarded. Could I have missed something? Perhaps, I am human. I invite all to read on.

On June 13, 2009 I wrote a post dedicated to my son Mark, who died on June 15, 1978. It was titled, Time and You. In this post, I lamented because I felt that time had robbed me of my memories of Mark. "I can not remember the exact blue of your eyes, the sunshine color of you hair, or the sound of you voice."

June 27, 2009 was a difficult evening for me. Even after 31 years, I still mourn the loss of my son. Usually, I have everything in control and I am able to handle the "missing part." This particular evening, I simply fell apart with grief. I could not stand the thought that my memories of my sweet baby boy were fading or were already gone. I spent hours in prayer, talking directly to Jesus as my Father. I poured out my heart. I kept asking Jesus, how could a mother forget the sound of her own child's voice? (In 1977 there were no video recorders, digital pictures, or computers. We only had limited technology. Still color pictures taken thirty years ago are now faded. Recordings were practically non-existent. We were still in the age of vinyl records.)

After a while, I attempted to calm myself by listening to my play list. I hoped to distract myself. I have a basket of christian tapes that I bought to play in my '93 Chevy S10, which does not have a CD player. I started looking in my basket for a song title by Chris Tomlin to add to my play list. Now, I want to make something very clear. This basket sits on my computer desk directly under my lamp. I am constantly in this basket trading tapes for my truck.

OK, please stay with me.

As I was shifting through my tapes, suddenly I found a very old, very dirty, dusty tape without a case. I was kinda shocked to see it, as I did not remember any old tapes being in my basket. Especially not a dirty dusty tape without a case.(Wendy can vouch that I am a dust buster) I picked up the dirty tape and hand written on the the front was "Lana Kaye, P.R." I blew off the dust and put the tape into my player. It was a 60 minute tape. Side two was me talking about our family adjustment to PR. Side one, was a family recording. It had several minutes of Mark talking about water skiing, cub scouts,and school. It also included Mark praying and singing. Also, on this tape was the voice of Wendy at age 5, praying, singing, talking about school, and ballet. I remember making this tape in 1977 in Puerto Rico as a gift to my parents in CA. This date is confirmed in the recording on the tape.

I can honestly say that I have never seen this tape after it was mailed to CA in 1977. Not at least, until the evening of June 27, 2009.

After listening to the tape, I immediately asked my Mother if she knew anything about this tape. She looked at me as though I was nuts. She said that she does remember getting the tape. She and my Dad listened to it only one time. She remembers that the tape was very upsetting. After they listened, she said that she put the tape away. She never remembers seeing it again. I can understand why this tape was upsetting. In many parts, Mark and Wendy are sobbing for their grandparents. My Mother swears that she has never seen this tape again after that one evening. She also states that she does not remember where it was placed.

After speaking to her, I went back to my computer room. As I was placing the tape back into the basket, (this time in a case) I found another dusty, dirty tape. Written on this tape was "Memorial Service Fajardo, P.R." and other side, "Marks Graveside" This tape is obviously a recording of Marks memorial service which was held in P.R. on June 17, 1978 and his grave side service which was held in CA on June 20, 1978. Honestly, I did not know that a recording of these services had been made. Portable tape players were relatively new, and therefore very unsophisticated.

I emailed Wendy, asking for reassurance that I was not crazy and questioning if she thought I have been in a dissociative state for 31 years. She told me that she didn't understand why these tapes had been found, but felt that there was a reason. She reassured me that I was not nuts, nor had I been functioning in some fugue state. She said that these tapes were an important part of our family history and needed to be preserved. She requested a copy of all.

Everyday, I get up at 4:30 am. In order to care for my Mother, get ready for work and exercise..this is the time I must get up. Guess, I am slow. Also, I enjoy the early morning to catch up on email and check out Candy Hearts. This morning, July 1, 2009 as usual, I emailed Wendy, checked out my favorite blogs and took a shower. I came back into my computer room for my uniform to get dressed for work. I keep all of my uniforms in the computer room closet. I turned on the lamp and as my eyes dropped to my tape basket, I almost fell over. Sitting on top of my christian tapes was another tape. I can say that I did not see it previously this morning when I was emailing and reading blogs. This tape was different than the others that had made their appearance. This one was in a case. On this tape was written, "Mark reading a story." I fell to my chair, and I could not get up for a long time. I was very close to being late for work.

After I got to work, I emailed Wendy asking if I was crazy or waking up from some kind of coma. She reassured me that I was not waking up from a coma. Then she wrote:
"I don't know what to think about the tapes. I'm anxious to hear them...God can do anything He wants. If He wants them to surface now, that's how it's going to be. You're not crazy. They're a tangible part of your past...and, apparently, God wants you to know they exist."

I believe with all my heart, that my tapes are a direct answer from God to my prayers. I have no idea why, or why now, or where they came from. I just know, they are, and it is, what is. I feel that God heard the pleas of a mourning mother of 31 years. He heard my desperate wails crying that I could not remember my dear, dead child's voice. Simply put, I believe that He heard me. I now have to keep forever Marks nine year old voice recorded 31 years ago. These tapes sound as though they were recorded yesterday. They are crisp, clean and clear.

Now, I can not explain my tapes. My husband says that he has never before seen them in the 16 years that we have enjoyed marriage. My Mother swears that she has not seen one of the tapes since the night she listened to it over 30 years ago. How does a person explain that which can not be explained? A person can't. But, Jesus can. These hidden tapes have surfaced. They are of this earth. They were made on this earth. The voices taped were and are people living on this earth. How they surfaced can not be explained. But, exist they do. Jesus created this earth and all that which is in it. My tapes are in it.

I live to honor Jesus Christ. I live to proclaim that Jesus does hear and answer prayers. I believe and profess that the Bible is His holy word.

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

I bear testimony that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Messiah, our Lord and Savior, and the only person to live a sinless life. I profess that Jesus was crucified on a wooden cross on a hill called Calvary for the sins of all mankind. I believe with my life that he died and then rose from the dead three days later. I boldly proclaim, Jesus Christ is the light and only way for mankind to claim his gift of eternal life in Heaven.

I have heard Marks sweet voice again after 31 years of silence. I have also heard the five year old voice of my darling, only daughter, Wendy. She sounds just like Kaelyn. What a gift this is to Addy, Kaelyn, and Maya. What precious gifts that these lost, dirty, dusty, hidden tapes have offered me and our family. My suffering heart is calmed and still. My wails are silenced. My heart is full of gratitude. Thank you, Thank you dear Jesus for blessing me with you tender mercy and understanding of my broken heart. I praise Your Holy Name as the Christ, Lord of all.

I believe that as people of this earth we have no comprehension of the tender, tender, mercy, the glorious grace, or the unending sacrificial love of Jesus Christ. Our minds are small, but with faith can grow into eternity.

I am not going to call finding my tapes a miracle. Perhaps, all of this can be explained. But, these findings can not be explained by me, my husband, or my Mother. Why is a recorded voice so important? It is as Wendy says, it is tangible. Simply listening to a long lost voice can soothe a grief stricken soul. I still have something that belongs exclusively to Mark in this less than heavenly world. Perhaps, one day during our glorious heavenly reunion, Mark will say, "Hey Mom, did Jesus tell you about the tapes?" :)