Time and You...

Mark

January 6, 1970

I don't remember when I realized
I couldn't remember the exact blue of your eyes
Or, the sound of your voice.
Always I thought,
I would remember the touch of your hand,
And the sunshine color of your hair.
But it's true,
Time has claimed my memories of you.
Everything in time is but for a moment,
And so hauntingly brief.
Yet, time is long enough to be painfully missed.

At the end of time,
The lonesome ticking clock will finally stop.
God's promise will be true,
Together will mean forever.
Everything will be made right,
The blue of your eyes,
The sound of your voice.
The sunshine color of your hair,
Dear Jesus, it isn't a memory.
Mark, it is you!


June 15, 2009

LKH

Jesus, you were my strength
When I was weak.
You are my all and all.

~Point of Grace~

Godspeed, Little Man...

MARK RICHARD ALLEN

Sweet Son and Brother

January 6, 1969 - June 15, 1978

This picture was taken during Mark's last soccer game which he played June 10, 1978 in Fajardo, Puerto Rico. Mark's best friend, Phillip Seibert is the young man right behind him. On June 9, 1978, Mark was promoted to the fourth grade. Mark's last evening, June 14, 1978 was spent watching the newly released movie, Benji with Wendy and I. Mark was able to see Star Wars I shortly before he silently sailed away. Being able to watch Star Wars was his great wish. Mark was kind, gentle, and greatly loved. His brothers, Steven and Todd were never able to know him. Surely, Mark would have owned their hearts just as he owns ours. In Hebrew, the name Mark means polite and shining. Mark honored his name with distinction. Mark Richard Allen was completely delightful for each of the 3447 days that he graced this earth. As his family, we are anticipating our Heavenly reunion.

"Goodnight, my angel now it's time to sleep. There are so many things I want to say. It is time to save these questions for another day. Inside this ancient heart, you will always be a part of me. Lullaby's go on and on, they never die. That's how you and I will be."

Gma's Double Check for Ruffing It.....

Well, Wendy and J are taking the girls and going camping this weekend. For several weeks, Wendy has been making a list and checking it twice. Wow! She is so organized. But, as I was reading her list, I thought she had left a few things out.

This is my Gma double check for ruffing it.

1. Did you get a GPS chip implanted into each of of the girls?

2. Did you pack the Emergency Weather Radio? Flash floods COULD happen.

3. Did J bring home from work one of those emergency

radios that has that special frequency just in case your cell phone coverage is spotty?

4. Did J give everyone at work your exact location? So, the helicopter can find you FAST?

5. Did you map directions to the nearest hospital?

6. Did you pack at least a gallon of extra water for each person? (Don't tell me there is no place to put it..tie to the top!)

7. Did you get an Epi-Pen, just in case?

8. Did you take a snake bite kit?

9. What is your plan emergency for thunderstorms and lightning?

10.Did you bring the book that identifies all those strange AZ bugs, so you can tell which ones are poisonous?

11.Did you check what kind of wildlife is common to the area... like mountain lions?

12.Did you take splints in your first aid kit?

13.Did you check the area for sex offenders?

14.Are guns allowed in the camp ground? If so, is J taking one? You know, for mountain lions, bears, crazy people....

Last of all, call me every 4 hours so I can send out the National Guard if you miss one phone call.

HAVE FUN!!

One Thing More.....

After reading my last few post's, I feel it necessary to clarify one thing. It is not normal for a grieving mother to take 31 years to heal from the death of her child. It does take a very long time for the heartache to ease. The healing process, with support of family, friends, and a loving church can make this process much shorter. Although, there is no set time to complete the grief cycle. Everyone is different.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, I was caught up in a continued pendulum of loss for many years. And, one thing really bothered me. I never lived close to where Mark is buried. I have visited his little grave only a few times. I have never placed flowers on his grave in celebration of his birthday or holidays. I know that Mark is not in his grave. Mark is in heaven. But, this hallowed piece of ground is the last place I left Mark. For many years, I felt that I abandoned my baby. This was very difficult for me. I am not asking for understanding. I am just stating what was.

I do want grieving Mother's to know that the horrible, stabbing pain of loosing your child to death will ease with time. As this pain eases, it is very important for you to develop healthy attitudes towards life in general. It is important for you to to work through fear and guilt. It is important to recognise signs of depression, PTSD, hyper vigilance and anxiety. These conditions can be managed. There is no need for these things to become exaggerated and consume your life.

I would love to say that I feel Mother's can completely heal after the death of a precious child. Unfortunately, I don't believe this is true. Once you have suffered a shattered heart, your heart remains vunerable. I will say, I do feel it is possible to feel joy and love life again.

To all dear grieving Mother's who happen across this blog, I want to say, gently rock your heart back to life. Take the time needed to do so. Be kind to yourself. Accept that you feel different because you are different. Recognise when you need help and do not be afraid to ask for it. If you need help cleaning your house, ask. If you need someone to help with your children, ask. Don't expect other people who have not suffered this kind loss to understand your feelings. Recognise that anyone who loved your child is feeling their own pain. Their pain may be different than yours, but acknowledge others are suffering too. Please allow yourself to take advantage of the love and support offered to you. People are very kind and want to help. Often they just don't know how. Tell them. Cry out to Jesus. He will comfort you and provide for you. This, I know.

DKA...Diabetic Keto Acidosis...

Addy was already in DKA when she was transported to Fairfax Children's Hospital. DKA is an awful complication of unchecked diabetes. It kills people. And, it almost killed Adalyne. I remember looking down at this tiny person (hooked up to so many IV's that I lost count) and wildly thinking, Addy could die. Wendy and Jason could loose their baby girl. It was awful. It was terrible. But, this event changed my life. Adalyne Erin Rose is a gift to all of us.

That night in the PICU, Wendy stayed by Addy's side. Since only one person could stay with Addy, I sat in the small waiting room. I don't remember how many hours I sat there. I think all night. I sat trying to make sense of the senseless. As I sat there, I reflected on many things. I did not want Addy to die and I didn't want Wendy to loose her baby. After all, I was an expert at what happens to a woman whose child dies. I knew one thing for sure, I did not want this to happen to Wendy. I did not want Wendy to become me.

That night in the PICU waiting room, my life changed. I had no where to turn. I was so alone. There was nothing to read. There was no TV. There was nothing except a paper back Bible. I made a decision that night. I decided to change the way I think, the way I look at life, and the way I perceive the world. I made the decision that if diabetes was going to steal our Adalyne, then I was going to prove to Wendy that Mother's whose children die do survive. Mother's can survive the unthinkable and they still can live a joyful life.

Well, God was good. Addy not only survived, but she has thrived. Wendy has made it the number one priority in her life to enjoy every minute of Addy's life. She has made a commitment to take each moment and savor it. Not only with Addy, but also with Kaelyn, Maya and Jason. Our family knows, that at any moment death may knock on our door again. No one is immune. No one is more aware of this than Wendy. After all, she has lived almost every day of her life in the shadow of her brothers death.

I also made a commitment that night in the PICU. I committed myself to heal from Mark's death. I committed to let go of the past, to relish the present, and accept the future. I have been on a journey of renewal. It has not been an easy road. It is difficult to let go of old habits and rituals. Sometimes, I slip and fall back a bit. But, I can honestly say to my daughter, I have climbed the icy mountain and I see green grass at the top. I love you Sweet Adalyne.

"and, a little child shall lead them."

Mark...

Mark, my first born child, died on June 15, 1978. He was nine. Until very recently, I have been trying to figure out how to deal with Mark's death. I have finally reached the point where I can say Mark was a great kid and that I am grateful for every minute of his short life. Yes, I am sad that Mark died. But, what is more important is that I am so happy that he lived. It has taken me 31 years to learn to focus more on Mark's life than his death.

When Mark died, I felt like I died too. My heart was broken. I remember waking up everyday absolutely surprised that the sun still shined, people still went shopping, and the earth kept turning. To me, everything just stopped. This is how I felt. This is not how I acted. I acted quite normal, although I am sure that Wendy has a different perspective.

I am not going into great detail of how I have evolved as a grieving mother. But, evolve I have. For a long while I was stuck. No matter how I tried I couldn't become unstuck. Yes, I still feel strange during the month of June. My last post expresses this. But, now I wonder if I feel off kilter simply out of habit. For years, I only focused on my great loss instead of my great gift. I am different now.

I started to change a couple of years ago. I have always been a spiritual person, and to some people, a very religious person. I decided that I would read the Bible and truly study the word of God. The Word of God has changed me. Below are some of the scriptures that not only comforted me, but completely changed my life. I am an example of the healing power of Christ. I had given up on myself years ago. I felt that I would never feel joy again. Although, I gave up on myself, Christ never gave up on me. His great power has always been available to me. In fact, calling me. I was convinced that I had to heal my heart my way, myself.

Psalms 121:1-2 I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth.
1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the Lord and his strength, seek His face continually.
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforted us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.
Matthew 11:25-30
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
John 14:27
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. or just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God
1 Peter 5:6-7
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Revelation 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.

Peaple do not have the capability of healing a mother's grief. The shattered heart of a grieving Mother can find the glue necessary to live again through Christ. I have been surviving year to year dwelling in the land of the lost. It feels so good to say, WORLD I AM BACK.

I Know It Is June When...

I am less patient.
I can't find a book that holds my interest.
Nothing tastes right, except Bryers Vanilla Bean ice cream.
I feel kinda sick, but can't put my finger on it.
People start asking me "What's wrong?"
I feel tired, but can't nap even when I have the chance.
I want Wendy to live in MD and not AZ.
I miss my Grand kids much more than in May.
I find it difficult to stay on task.
I can't concentrate.
I find it difficult to make eye contact with anyone.
I turn down dinner invitations with friends.
The National Geographic channel makes me cry.
I can't get up without at least 3 phone calls from Bob.
I could care less if my hair looks OK.
I feel that I have aged 5 years when I look into the mirror.
Bedtime turns into snuggle time and that's it!
I over schedule work.
I don't want to go to work.
I don't want to come home from work.
I go to work early.
I drive to work and can't remember if I locked the door.
I drive to work and can't remember if I turned off my curling iron.
I can't remember if I washed my hair before using conditioner.
My co-worker reminds me that I only used eyeliner on one eye.
I wear socks with sandals 'cause I didn't do my toes.
I feel bored, but don't want to do anything.
I feel anxious if my Mom doesn't pick up the phone on the first ring.
I spend lots of time wishing I had never moved from California.
I want to hold George and hear him purr.
I want Abbey to put her head in my lap.
Nothing seems right.
The sun is too bright.
There isn't enough sun.
The days are too long.
Nights are too short.
I spend hours on ccv.com
In Jesus Name I Press On-Selah

Prayer Please..

Please say a prayer for the small burn victims of the Day Care fire in Mexico. I can't imagine the total horror that these poor children and their parents have had to face. My heart simply aches. To loose a child is terrible, but to think of loosing my baby trapped in a fiery crib is inconceivable. Dear Jesus, please rain your mercy on all.