She Never Gives Up!

"I am very proud of Addy. Her sleep is disturbed at least twice a night, yet she (ehum, usually) wakes with a smile. She wears her pump around her waist with zero complaints, even when she's running, and jumping, and riding her bike. Her little fingers are tender and bruised, but she doesn't argue when it's time for another poke. She has scars all over from old pump sites, yet she doesn't let them bother her. Her entire diet went through a drastic change after being diagnosed with celiac, and she' been a good sport about trying new foods..."

`Wendy Rose, Addy's Mama~

Joy...

Mark was a great kid. He was intelligent, coordinated, and kind. He was just like all of my children. He did everything well. He was a little sports wiz. He was a super little soccer player, a great swimmer and an astonishing diver. In old pictures that are fading with time, I marvel at his perfect body alignment as he dove into the water. He was a fish. He gave everything a try. When he was eight, he was able to water ski. Me? I was never able to stand up. No mater how many lessons I took. I remember looking at Mark and thinking, how could this be my child? I was always picked last for kick ball. The only sports in which I ever moderately achieved was archery and volley ball. On the other hand, Mark achieved every agility with ease.

Recently, while going through old pictures, I found my Dad's military record. In this record, I found that my Dad had been an athletic giant. He received award after award for his athletic ability and mental capacity. This was a surprise to me. Daddy was diagnosed with MS when I was a young child. I don't remember my Dad as an athlete. I remember Daddy walking with a distorted gait and sitting in a wheelchair. I even forgot how tall he was. MS stole my Dad's strong body. He died when I was 32.

I remember my Dad sitting in his W/C just watching Mark. I also remember the joy he got observing Mark's sports ability. When asked how he could spend hours watching Mark play, Daddy answered, "I am watching me." I never understood that statement until recently. My Dad was able to watch his athletic body perform at its best in observing Marks strong young body.

Daddy never met Todd or Steven. He died 2 months after Todd's birth. We lived in Washington and Daddy lived in California. He never observed Todd's keen intelligence, or the athleticism of Steven. He never heard Wendy's classically trained angelic soprano voice singing in French, German, or Italian. What joy it would have been to Daddy to sit and listen to Wendy at age 12 never strain to hit the highest of notes.

I know that Daddy and Mark are in Heaven waiting and anticipating our glorious reunion. Just as we are anticipating our reunion with them. I know that on this wonderful reunion day, their bodies will be strong and perfect. Please forgive me. Occasionally, I become impatient for this so anticipated day. Every once in a while, I give into the "missing part."

I love you Wendy. You have been my strength and my joy. You had me the first time Dr. Chung said, "You are pregnant and according to Chinese medicine you are having a girl." You are still just my beautiful,sweet baby girl. I see you now with the same adoration as when at first our eyes met. YOU are my gift.

The Missing Part....

On June 15, 2009 it will 31 years since I last I looked upon the living face of my first born child, Mark.

I still have difficult moments accepting the fact that I do not or have not shared Mark's company for so long. Even though it has been a long time, I still have periods where the realization that Mark died is still shocking to me. There are times, I still can't grasp what happened to my son. There are times during the night that I still wake up in a cold sweat. There are times, without my control, that I find myself viewing into 12 feet of pool water acknowledging that it is really my son lying on the bottom of that big pool. It is still shocking to me, that in a crowd of perhaps 100 people including a life guard, no one dove in to bring Mark up. I will never forget the shocked faces and frozen bodies of everyone that day. I will never forget screaming "Mi hijo?" which means in very poor Spanish, "My Child?" I will never forget hoping that some person would jump in and bring Mark to the surface. I still can't forget facing the horrible realization that if Mark was going to have a chance at life, it was only me who was going to give it to him. So, I did what every mother would do, I dove into the water alone, swam to the bottom of the pool, to help my baby. I didn't expect my reaction when I got to Mark. My plan was to grab him and bring him up. Instead, I let out an underwater scream of horror. My mouth filled with water and I reacted with instinct. I surfaced for air. My scream continued when I reached the surface. After what seemed to be an eternity, two men jumped into the water to help me. Together, we reached Mark, pulled him up and out of the pool. I have no recollection of who these two angels were.

Why am I writing about this now? For one reason only, I am still trying to grasp what happened on that sunny afternoon in Puerto Rico. I have accepted the finality of death. I no longer ask why, or feel anger. I do not question God. I have even reached the point where I don't search for possible reasons. But, even after all of these years, my mind is still trying to put the pieces together. I am still trying to cope with the "missing part." I am and forever will be a Mother. I love all of my children with every possible part of my being. Because of this, I have had to accept everyday that I awake, one child is missing. The "missing part" is still so difficult.

Blue Grandma....

When Wendy was very young, she named her Dad's Mother, Blue Grandma. My Mother was named, Pink Grandma. Now, my Mother and I are called the "Pink Grandma's" by Addy, Kaelyn, and Maya. Actually, my Mother is called "Little" Pink Grandma and I am just Pink Grandma.

Tonight, I have been down loading the YouTube video of Susan Boyle's April 11, 2009 performance on Britain's Got Talent. Since I have a dial-up connection, it takes about 35 minutes to view a 5 minute video. I have many people ask, "why don't you go high speed?" The answer is simple, my sweet toast.net runs me about eight dollars a month and I always speak to someone who speaks English when I need their tech help.

As I have been sitting here, I have been looking at "my girls" in their Spring frocks. As I was looking at Maya, I suddenly made a realization. Maya looks just like Blue Grandma. I stared at little Maya's face and suddenly I felt tears whelming in my eyes. In all the world, Blue Grandma was one of my very favorite people. She passed away in 1988. She was a young woman when she died, not much older than I am now. She suffered for years with severe rheumatoid arthritis, but nary a complaint did she ever make. Blue Grandma was wonderful, kind, and considerate. She had a great personality and was known for her beautiful smile. She was beautiful not only in body, but also in spirit.

Tonight as I have been staring at Maya's sweet face and wide grin, I am grateful for genetics! Dear Peggy, you are alive in Maya. After all of these years, it is so good to see you again. I have missed you very much.

Little Girl Dresses.....

When I first saw them I thought, Arizona dresses! They were simple in design, pretty pastel colors, and 100% cotton. All three were of the same pattern, but different colors and prints. Perfect for three little granddaughters to wear in the Arizona heat. I could hardly wait to pack them and get them on their way. They were not the frilly, fancy dresses I usually buy. But, there was something about these little dresses I just loved. They were all different, yet so much the same. Just like the little girls who were going to where them. When I saw this picture, I was reminded how wonderful it is to be the grandmother of these three precious girls.

~scroll down to see a better view~

What can I say, I am absolutely smitten with these little girls.

"Who Is It You Are Looking For?

He asked her, "Woman, why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?" Thinking it was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him and I will get him." Jesus said to her, "Mary." She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Robboni!" (which means "Teacher").

John 20:13-16

JESUS IS ALIVE!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

~John Newton~
1725-1804

These simple words say it all. Nothing has changed. Jesus continues to love us no matter what we have done. He has saved me, and I am a "wretch." He will save you, too. Cast your eyes towards Him. Open your heart, release your fear, and believe. It is wonderful to leave my wretched self behind and finally, be free.