To Baby Cora's Mommy....

When I was 30, Mark my first born child died. He was nine.

School had just let out for the summer. Mark had been promoted to the 4th grade and Wendy to the 1st grade. The day started out just like any other Thursday without school, breakfast, Mark's soccer game at 9am, helping a friend by caring for her child, lunch, and then to the pool for a swim. Only on that Thursday, Mark died in the pool. To this day, we do not know why. He was an excellent swimmer and diver, but on that day something happened. What....?? He just died. We do know that he did not drown. At that time, we were living in the Caribbean. On Saturday, we were planning to leave to spend the summer with my parents in CA. We left for CA as planned, but instead of sitting in the seat beside me, Mark traveled home on the plane in a little white coffin.

Everyday, about 265,000 children die, worldwide. It is really not that uncommon, but it is always tragic. To baby Cora's Mommy I would like to share:

1. Mothers are pre wired by God. When our child dies, the first response is shock and a feeling of numbness. This is the time when we set up foundations, playgrounds are built, and soccer teams are turned into living memorials.There is a reason that we seek a positive outcome from such a horrible loss. We want our child's life to have meaning. We want our child to be remembered. We never want them to be forgotten. One way of doing this is to make something tangible that it is positive. This is good.

2. To all Mothers I want to say, it makes no difference how old your child is at the time of death. The crushing grief is the same. Whether your child dies at birth, at one, nine, 16, 21, 45 or older, you will suffer untold loss and pain. This is normal, but difficult. Mothers are supposed to die before their children, not the other way around. It never occurs to us that we might live to bury our child. Every death is a surprise, even if your child has been sick for a long time. Mother's never give up hope of a reprieve. You never gave up hope that Cora would live.

3. It is important for every family member to have a chance to say goodbye. This includes siblings no matter what their age. Immediately after death the family changes. No one is more sensitive to this than other children who continue to live.

4. It is normal for grieving Mothers to cry.....for a long time. It's ok for you to cry for a long time.

5.There is no set time for you to complete the grief cycle. The expectation that grief should be finished in one year is completely unrealistic. The truth is, it takes a lifetime. I will say that you will eventually start to think of Cora every other minute instead of every minute. One day you will realize that you have gone five minutes, and then perhaps 30. You will never, ever go 24 hours without thinking of Cora. Cora is part of you. Therefore, until you take your last breath, Cora will live forever in your heart. I look forward to Heaven. Death lost it's sting the moment Mark died. I have never been afraid of death since.

6.Faith in the Lord Jesus gives hope. Jesus died and then lived again. We have been promised that our children will live again, too. But, no matter how much faith you have, you will never stop missing Cora. At times the separation will seem unbearable. This is alright. The "missing" part is really hard. It doesn't mean you don't believe or have faith in Jesus. It just means that you are normal. No matter how we picture heaven or how we picture our children in the arms of Christ, the reality is....we want them here and not there. Jesus understands this. He will never be angry because you love and miss Cora. Instead, He will offer you mercy, grace and tender love. It was Jesus who said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will comforted." Jesus does not lie. He only tells the truth. Often in my most desperate hours of grief, I felt the closest to Jesus. I honestly felt his warm love surround me. He held me up when I felt like falling or dying. He will hold you up too.

7. Why did Cora die? There is no answer to this. We live in a temporal world in which to live is also to die. I remember asking a friend, "Why me?" I was stunned by her very frank answer. She said, "Why not you?" And so, I have accepted "why not me." I am just a person, just like you. And, sad things happen to people.

8. Be kind to yourself. I didn't know how to act. I didn't know how to mourn. Learning to live without Mark took time. It will take you time too.

9.Will you ever feel the same as you did before Cora died? No. That part of your life is over forever. Does this mean that your life will never be good again? No....in fact, life can be better for you as a person. I have become much more compassionate. It is easy for me to reach out to you. I am not afraid of your grief. Someday, you will reach out to another Mother who is trying to learn what you already know. She will look at you and say, "You survived, so can I." You will give her hope.

10. I am stronger. I know that I have survived the one thing that I said I never could do. I also know that I haven't done this by myself. Through the years, I've had family, friends, and people I don't even know praying for me and supporting me. Most important, I give praise to Jesus for "foot prints in the sand." I can testify that Jesus carried me when I couldn't walk. He will carry you too. Don't be afraid of this journey that you now must travel. You do not travel this road alone. There are many of us to keep you company. We will find you, help you, pray with you and most of all, we will love you.....and, Cora. After all, she is now the playmate of our children. This makes your sweet Cora, our friend. I love you, Cora's Mommy. Love you, Mark. Love you, Cora.

Trust in the Lord

Yesterday I received a call from the AFT Health Care Union of which I am a dues paying member. I was told that if I get a lay off letter to call them immediately. AFT would review my case and see if all lay off rules and been followed. I was told that if I was to face lay off, I should receive my letter within 60 days of the lay off date. I was also told that if my job was abolished in order to save money for the state, AFT could not help me.

Needless to say I was stunned. I am a state employed nurse. Each year I receive a letter stating that I am considered key and essential. When I told the union rep this he opened my eyes even further. He said, "Well you may be key and essential in an emergency, but you are not considered key and essential in a lay off situation." He explained that only the judicial and executive branch of state government and the state police are considered essential in a lay off situation. I explained that I am to retire from state government on March 10, 2010. All he could offer was his condolences.

Yesterday, my mother received a letter from the CA county in which my dad retired as a County Marshal. The letter stated that they are considering eliminating his pension due to the economic failure of that state. I told my mom not to worry. We would all huddle together, trust God, and care for each other as a family.

To all who read this I say; if your state is functioning in a financial deficit and you are a state employee, get prepared. You may wake up tomorrow and find that your job that you thought was key and essential and protected from lay off, really is not. If you rely on a state pension, be prepared to function without it.

I have decided to contact the large Amish community which live in my community. I need lessons how to live in case I cannot pay my utility bills. I want to learn how to live "essentially."

Happy Birthday, ME...

This is my only enigma:

I have the same first name as actress, Lana Turner. We share the same birthday, but not birth year. We were both born in Idaho. The similarity ends there.

1948 was a leap year. This means that I have been alive for 22, 281 days.

I was 15 years, 9 months and 14 days old when President Kennedy was assinated. I remember this day vividly and in slow motion.

I was 16 years, 10 months when I fell in love for the first time.

I suffered my first and only broken heart when I was 17 years, 6 months and 11 days.

I married for the first time when I was 18 years, 10 months and 23 days old. Out of this marriage came my greatest gifts from God. My children, Mark, Wendy, Steven and Todd. My children were the only purpose for this marriage and my only happiness.

I delivered my first child, Mark when I was 20 years, 10 months and 27 days old.

I began my licensed nursing career when I was 24 years, 4 months and 8 days old.

I delivered my second child, Wendy when I was 24 years, 8 months and 1 day old.

I was 30 years, 4 months and 7 days old when my beloved child, Mark died.

Mark lived a total of 3,447 very short days.

I was 32 years, 6 months and 2 days old when my third child, Steven was born.

I was 32 years, 10 months and 22 days old when my last child, Todd was born.

I was exactly 33 years and 13 days old when my father, Grant Dial died.

He was a loving part of my life for only 12,066 days.

I was 45 years, 10 months and 23 days old when I married for the second time. LOVE YOU SWEETIE!!

I became a grandmother for the first time when I was 52 years, 2 months and 19 days old.

I was 59 years, 3 months and 23 days old when I became a grandmother for last time.

I was baptised into the Body of Christ when I was 60 years, 3 months and 23 days old. This miraculous event occurred when I had been alive for exactly 22,000 days. Thank you, Lord.

By the time I retire from the nursing world on March 10, 2010, I will have been an R.N. for 37 years, 8 months and 24 days.

I have been alive for 534,744 hours as of midnight, tonight.

Except for 122,760 hours....

I have been very happy.

"I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.

I well remember them,

and my downcast soul within me.

Yet, this I call to mind

and therefore I have hope:

Because of the Lord's great love I am not consumed,

for his compassion never fails.

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him,

to the one's who seek him;

it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.

For men are not cast off by the Lord forever,

Through grief, He will show compassion.

So great is his unfailing love,

For He does not willingly bring affliction,

or grief to the children of men.

"Lamentations 4:19-33